Trying to be worthwhile

I've decided to create a blog where I can record the process of applying to and preparing for service in the Peace Corps.

This last year I've really missed feeling like my work- my jobs at the hospital and the theater- are worthwhile. I've begun to really crave a sense of purpose.

For several weeks this summer, I would wake up in the morning and think about death. I'm going to die someday. It was palpable, and real, and I believed it more than I ever believed it before. I started to think about what the sum of my life would be were I to die on this particular morning, or the next, or two weeks or two years from now. And I felt shallow about the way a lot of my time was spent. I rationalized it, at first- I've earned the things I enjoy, and I deserve them- Deserve nights out with friends, buying each other drinks, gossiping, inside jokes, making ourselves the center of our universe. But I started to recognize what I had in terms of those who didn't have that. It wasn't enough to give my clothes to goodwill, or to share my change with someone on the street, even to raise $2000 to support breast cancer treatment for those without insurance seemed to fall short of my potential as a human being- an American- on this earth. Over the last two years, but more so recently, I've tried to give more- donations to organizations I support, volunteering, fundraising- but it has never seemed to add up to much. Sure, I'm contributing in a way that's needed, but it's been so piecemeal.

The Peace Corps has always been in the back of my mind. Other people achieve lofty, seemingly unattainable goals like getting their play produced on Broadway or being a heart surgeon, and for me, serving in the Peace Corps has been a lofty seemingly unattainable goal like those.

I deconstructed the goal, though, and saw that I'd actually conquered a few of the more daunting aspects of Peace Corps service: I've achieved a physical goal- training for 5 months for the Race for the Cure and changing the shape and fitness of my body. I've adapted to a different culture (in a way) and survived there on my own- three years ago I moved to Orange County and created a life for myself here. Could I work with strangers to achieve a common goal? Sure, that's what I've done at the theater, to some extent.

So, I've spoken with a recruiter and a few returned volunteers, and I'm sure of my decision. I've begun the application process (which can take up to 12 months). I'm not sure that I'll be accepted, but I'm going to do what I can to make myself a desirable candidate.

Recently baked: Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies while talking to my sister on the phone.